Sunday, October 21, 2012

RIP Mika.

As I type this, I cry.  I'm not ready to write about it in depth but I'm doing it anyway because he deserves it. 

On Thursday, October 18, Mika passed away.  He was 11 years old.

The morning started off fine.  He was awake when I woke up for work.  I gave him hugs, scritches (even though I knew I wasn't supposed to), and kisses before I left.  When I got home, he was gone.  I felt as if someone was stabbing me to death - and according to Rob, it's what I sounded like on the phone.  His entire office heard me screaming from the other end.  I remember crying face down on the floor.

I don't know why but as soon as it sunk it that he was truly gone I became frantic and all I kept saying - or screaming - was that I needed a vet.  I needed a vet and I needed a necropsy.  I held Mika in my hands for a little while...  I needed to hold him, kiss him, give him scritches.  I didn't get to hold him as long as I had wanted because I knew I needed to cool his body temperature.  I wrapped him up in a thin soft cloth and felt so inhumane putting him in a plastic bag in the fridge.  I know it had to be done but couldn't help but think, "Mika is my BABY.  He doesn't belong in the fucking fridge!"

Rob called my dad who came to pick me up and bring me to my parents house so that he wouldn't have to drive through even more traffic to get to me.  After calling several clinics, we were finally able to get someone to do a necropsy at my former vet.  I got the call late that night with the results.  The vet said his kidney was swollen and had acute hemorrhaging so she said she thinks Mika had a stroke.  She said all his other organs were healthy but did find something out of the ordinary.  She said the slit in his beak was wider than she's seen in any other lovebird and the papillae was much shorter.  After I had told her about Mika's compromised immune system (partly their clinics fault, I added), she said this abnormality also probably contributed to him getting infections and bacteria more often because he was breathing in much more than the regular lovebird.

I stayed awake on Thursday night, staring at Mika's empty cage.  I know it sounds rash but I had to take his things down immediately or I knew I'd get zero sleep.  I planned to dismantle on Friday.  I took everything out of his cage.  I cleaned it all out and gave it to Raptor since the bottom of his cage is rusting.  Raptor's old cage is to be sold.  I'm not trying to get rid of Mika's memory.  I don't want an empty cage sitting around.  A cage that should have my little baby in it. 

I got Mika cremated.  My dad suggested I bury him next to Kano in their backyard, but Mika belongs at home with me.  His ashes were ready to be picked up late last night (Saturday).  Two of my friends offered to go with me.  How such a fluffball could result in bones that could fit on the face of a quarter...  I guess I just didn't know what to expect.  He's in a tin the crematory gave for the time being while I wait for something else to arrive.  Something personalized.  I slept with that tin last night.  I gripped Mika in my hand and slept.  I honestly don't know how many nights I'll go like that.  During the day, I've got him tucked away in his tent where he loved to sleep.

Right now, I can go about an hour without crying.  More if I truly engross myself in TV or a movie.  I haven't been able to sleep properly and I haven't been able to keep food down.  

Part of me feels guilty.  While I wanted Mika to live as long as I do, I felt a sense of relief.  I've had to watch Mika heave violently for years.  While he never cried out in pain, I could only imagine it was painful - or at least extremely uncomfortable.  I thought, "Now he doesn't have to go through that anymore."  I hate myself for thinking that because I would give anything to have him back with me.  Rob tries to comfort me and agrees he's in a much better place now where he doesn't have to suffer.  Nonetheless, guilt is still there.

And I think of all the things I didn't get to give him.  He didn't get to have his new cage I was going to get him early next year.  He didn't get to experience the bird room I'm going to make early next year.  He didn't get to use the personalized perches I ordered for him because I was saving them for later.  So many toys I was saving for later too...  after that, I decided no more saving.  From here on out, whatever I buy Raptor will get to use.  

Not only that, Mika won't be able to be a part of my wedding.  That made me cry all over again.  Rob said he'll still be there, but it's not the same.  Mika was supposed to be by my side as we wed, as Raptor would be by Rob's side.

Mika was the perfect bird.  I could not have asked for a better baby.  He was in tune with my emotions.  He was extremely well-behaved.  He was beautiful inside and out.  I knew he was special from the moment he hatched out of his first-born egg.  He wasn't just a bird, he was my family and my son.  Rob always used to say, "Mika is the most loved bird in the whole world."  He really is/was.  I love him more than life itself.  I would have done anything for him.  Mika was PERFECTION.  My perfection is gone.

I don't know what else to write.


  1. Oh no Maya! I am so sad for you. I followed you over from the lovebird plus forum and I only know how much you love him from their. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Echo and we aren't even half as close as you are to Mika. I'm so sorry for your loss. May Mika rest in peace and enjoy an illness free afterlife over the rainbow bridge.

  2. I do not remember the last time I felt so helpless, so overwhelmingly sad while replying to a post made by someone I know only through Internet. I have started following your blog maybe a little over half a year ago, don't remember exactly now. Each time I saw a new entry, I was hoping it would be about Mika. I fell in love with him almost instantly, and to such an extent I namded one of my budgies Mika.

    As soon as I saw the title of this VERY distressing post, my heart sank. I never thought I would get so attach to him, and only because what I knew about him from your blog. I have never met Mika; yet, it felt right to think about him as a little lovebird I knew quite well and expected him to live forever.

    I wish I could write this in Polish. English is my 2nd language and it is not easy sometimes for me to express emotions. I know that right now no matter what comforting words you hear, it won’t help much. Mika will be with you during your wedding. He will be much closer than you think; he will be in your heart, and not only during that special day but forever! I wish I could hug you.

    ~~~~~ Fly free little Mika ~~~~~

    1. Thank you, Anneka. It is definitely hard for me, especially since most of my friends have moved to the mainland. I only have my parents and bf to really comfort me here, and a few wonderful online friends.

      I'm really going to miss taking pictures of Mika. What I will probably do now and then is go back to old pictures I have and post them here as a remembrance.

    2. Give yourself enough time to grieve. Do not rush this process. It will be difficult at times, certain things and activities will remind you of Mika, but with time the pain should ease. One day when you think about him, you will be able to smile.
      That would be wonderful if we could see more pics of Mika.

  3. Oh Maya :( I am so very very sorry.

  4. I am so sorry to hear about Mika. :-( I have lost a pet bird before and it is EXTREMELY difficult. You loved him and gave him the best life you could.

    1. Thanks, Jackie. I definitely did everything I could for him... I tried to give him as much of the world as I could.

  5. Reading this made me all teary. :(

    I am so, SO sorry for your enormous loss, Maya. I remember seeing the post on instagram a few days ago and my heart just completely sunk. You were such an amazing birdy mama, and you still are - to Raptor. Mika had to have been one of the happiest birdies I'll ever know. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, I hope that you will be ok with time. Mika will always be in your heart. <3

    RIP, Mika.

    1. Thanks, Becca. Rob is constantly reminding me that Raptor still needs me. It's not like I'm neglecting him in any way - quite the opposite - but I'm sure Raptor doesn't appreciate his mommy being sad and depressed while giving him attention.

      I still can't post on AA or Lovebirds Plus... I feel like my IG and blog are "mine" and, while it's out there for the public to see, it's small and intimate feeling. Once I post on a forum, everyone on that forum can see it and everyone will know. I don't know. It's not that I'm against everyone finding out...I guess I'm just not ready for the (what feels like) robotic outpouring of condolences. I've always avoided the "Highway To Heaven" parts of forums no matter where I am and I would just feel weird posting on there too.