RIP Mika.

As I type this, I cry.  I'm not ready to write about it in depth but I'm doing it anyway because he deserves it. 

On Thursday, October 18, Mika passed away.  He was 11 years old.

The morning started off fine.  He was awake when I woke up for work.  I gave him hugs, scritches (even though I knew I wasn't supposed to), and kisses before I left.  When I got home, he was gone.  I felt as if someone was stabbing me to death - and according to Rob, it's what I sounded like on the phone.  His entire office heard me screaming from the other end.  I remember crying face down on the floor.

I don't know why but as soon as it sunk it that he was truly gone I became frantic and all I kept saying - or screaming - was that I needed a vet.  I needed a vet and I needed a necropsy.  I held Mika in my hands for a little while...  I needed to hold him, kiss him, give him scritches.  I didn't get to hold him as long as I had wanted because I knew I needed to cool his body temperature.  I wrapped him up in a thin soft cloth and felt so inhumane putting him in a plastic bag in the fridge.  I know it had to be done but couldn't help but think, "Mika is my BABY.  He doesn't belong in the fucking fridge!"

Rob called my dad who came to pick me up and bring me to my parents house so that he wouldn't have to drive through even more traffic to get to me.  After calling several clinics, we were finally able to get someone to do a necropsy at my former vet.  I got the call late that night with the results.  The vet said his kidney was swollen and had acute hemorrhaging so she said she thinks Mika had a stroke.  She said all his other organs were healthy but did find something out of the ordinary.  She said the slit in his beak was wider than she's seen in any other lovebird and the papillae was much shorter.  After I had told her about Mika's compromised immune system (partly their clinics fault, I added), she said this abnormality also probably contributed to him getting infections and bacteria more often because he was breathing in much more than the regular lovebird.

I stayed awake on Thursday night, staring at Mika's empty cage.  I know it sounds rash but I had to take his things down immediately or I knew I'd get zero sleep.  I planned to dismantle on Friday.  I took everything out of his cage.  I cleaned it all out and gave it to Raptor since the bottom of his cage is rusting.  Raptor's old cage is to be sold.  I'm not trying to get rid of Mika's memory.  I don't want an empty cage sitting around.  A cage that should have my little baby in it. 

I got Mika cremated.  My dad suggested I bury him next to Kano in their backyard, but Mika belongs at home with me.  His ashes were ready to be picked up late last night (Saturday).  Two of my friends offered to go with me.  How such a fluffball could result in bones that could fit on the face of a quarter...  I guess I just didn't know what to expect.  He's in a tin the crematory gave for the time being while I wait for something else to arrive.  Something personalized.  I slept with that tin last night.  I gripped Mika in my hand and slept.  I honestly don't know how many nights I'll go like that.  During the day, I've got him tucked away in his tent where he loved to sleep.

Right now, I can go about an hour without crying.  More if I truly engross myself in TV or a movie.  I haven't been able to sleep properly and I haven't been able to keep food down.  

Part of me feels guilty.  While I wanted Mika to live as long as I do, I felt a sense of relief.  I've had to watch Mika heave violently for years.  While he never cried out in pain, I could only imagine it was painful - or at least extremely uncomfortable.  I thought, "Now he doesn't have to go through that anymore."  I hate myself for thinking that because I would give anything to have him back with me.  Rob tries to comfort me and agrees he's in a much better place now where he doesn't have to suffer.  Nonetheless, guilt is still there.

And I think of all the things I didn't get to give him.  He didn't get to have his new cage I was going to get him early next year.  He didn't get to experience the bird room I'm going to make early next year.  He didn't get to use the personalized perches I ordered for him because I was saving them for later.  So many toys I was saving for later too...  after that, I decided no more saving.  From here on out, whatever I buy Raptor will get to use.  

Not only that, Mika won't be able to be a part of my wedding.  That made me cry all over again.  Rob said he'll still be there, but it's not the same.  Mika was supposed to be by my side as we wed, as Raptor would be by Rob's side.

Mika was the perfect bird.  I could not have asked for a better baby.  He was in tune with my emotions.  He was extremely well-behaved.  He was beautiful inside and out.  I knew he was special from the moment he hatched out of his first-born egg.  He wasn't just a bird, he was my family and my son.  Rob always used to say, "Mika is the most loved bird in the whole world."  He really is/was.  I love him more than life itself.  I would have done anything for him.  Mika was PERFECTION.  My perfection is gone.

I don't know what else to write.